


when i drift off

by ironccap



Category: La casa de papel | Money Heist (TV)
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, Hurt, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, Not A Fix-It, Palermo thinks of Berlin, Sad, Unrequited Love, no happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-05
Updated: 2019-08-05
Packaged: 2020-08-09 18:23:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,872
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20122837
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ironccap/pseuds/ironccap
Summary: It had always been Berlin.Always.





	when i drift off

_It had been a rather breezy summer night, and Martin hadn't been able to sleep in just his briefs, like he usually did - because the nights are normally much warmer - and had been forced to wear one of Andrès' silk night robes. That silk robe, still smelling of Andrès' cologne and something that was so uniquely delicious, something truly screaming "Andrès", well.. that particular silk robe might have been the only logical explanation for Martins horrible mood on that morning. _

_After all, the nightrobe had been a constant reminder to Martin that he would never be able to be with Andrès like he desired to. It was symbolic. "Here, have my smell. Hold it close to you, inhale it all night long. Think of me, and you, us, together, all night long. Your body heat against mine. Have you felt it? Great, wasn't it? Well, too bad that's all you're ever gonna get."_

_That morning, Martin had walked over to the communal floor and the kitchen, silently praying that he would be lucky and that Tatiana hadn’t stayed the night. But of course, as usual, there was no luck given to the Argentinian, and he was greeted by Tatiana’s voice echoing through the entire kitchen. _

_He walked over to the kitchen while mumbling something under his breath, and greeted Andrès like he always did, his voice full of affection. But this time, his hermanito didn’t really respond. He was too busy shooting daggers at Tatiana with his eyes to have noticed Martin entering the kitchen. _

_“What’s going on here?”, Martin asked while raising his eyebrows and looking at Tatiana. _

_“I caught her, fucking another guy.”, Andrès said. _

_“What? Who the fuck does she think she is, that p-“ _

_“Martin, shut up. This is between me and Andrès. It’s none of your business.”, Tatiana scowled at him. And if he hadn’t been in a horrible mood, he would’ve probably listened to her and gone back to his room, to listen to some music and wait until their screaming match was over. But, he was in a rather shitty mood – again, the night robe was to blame for this, really – and he had had enough of Tatiana’s shit. So, he did the only logical thing he could think of. Throwing the plate of apples at her. _

_She yelped. “Martin, por favor!”, Andrès screamed, rather surprised. _

_Martin just shrugged, silently being pleased with himself. He truly couldn’t stand Tatiana. Not because she was the love of Andrès’ life, not at all. As long as Andrès was happy, Martin would be, too. Even though it broke him on the inside. But he could clearly see that Tatiana didn’t make him happy. She and Andrès had a fight every two days, and Martin had caught Andrès multiple times, with a bottle in his hand, whenever Tatiana had screamed at him and threatened to leave him. _

_It was devastating seeing him like that. Andrès deserved someone that loved him for who he was, someone who’d never leave him, someone who’d always be there for him… someone like Martin. But, that would never happen. Ever. _

_“No, Andrès. I’m sorry, but I’m sick of this. You guys are always arguing about something. I’m sick of her treating you like crap. Also, it ruins my appetite. You-“, he pointed at Tatiana, “-you need to remember that you don’t own this place. You act like this is all yours, and you seem to forget you’re not the only one living here! I’m not going to go to my fucking room every single time you decide to scream at Andrès again. And cheating on him? Who the fuck do you think you are. Mierda!”, Martin screamed. He’d had enough, really. _

_“Well, lucky for you, I’m leaving. I’m so sick of this.”, Tatiana screamed back. _

_“So, are you actually leaving this time, or can we expect you back here, in tears, begging to take you back tomorrow?”, Andrès suddenly spit out, “Because this time, it’s not going to happen. You’ve fooled me enough times already, Tatiana. I’ve had enough.” _

_“Oh, don’t worry, Andrès. I’m gone. For ever. I didn’t love you anyway.”, she screamed back. _

_Andrès fell silent at that, while Tatiana slammed the door shut. _

_“Andrès-“, Martin said. He saw the look in Andrès’ eyes, and it wasn’t good. He knew how much he loved Tatiana. He had listened to him talking about her many, many times before. One time, Andrès had told Martin that after four failed marriages, he felt that Tatiana was going to be the one. So he had given love another chance, and proposed to her that day. _

_It was the same day Martin had broken his own hand, by punching the wall in his room with full force. But, he was fine. His hermanito was happy. He should be too. _

_But now, it felt like the world was crashing down for Andrès. “No, Martin. Por favor. I’m going to my room. I have some… stuff to do.”, he said, a fake smile plastered on his face and his eyes prickling with tears. Martin felt his heart drop at the sight of his best friend, looking so broken._

_It was a bit later that day when Martin decided to check up on Andrès again. He hadn’t heard him in quite a few hours and he was starting to get more and more worried every passing second. He walked into the room, and the sight before him shattered him into a million tiny pieces. _

_In front of him, he saw his best friend, sitting on the ground. With a bottle in his hand, but not drunk. _

_“I couldn’t even finish it. I can’t even get myself drunk, I’m so pathetic.”, Andrès mumbled. Martin just shook his head and sat next to his hermanito. _

_“You’re not pathetic for not getting yourself drunk, Andrès. It shows how strong you are. I couldn’t do it.”, which was true, because Martin couldn’t count on one hand how many times he’d been in his bedroom, alone with just his bottle, while he tried desperately not to listen to the sounds of the headboard slamming against the wall every now and then in the room next to his. The walls were rather thin, after all. _

_Andrès just sighed, “If I’m not pathetic, then why do they all leave me, Martin.” _

_“It’s because they don’t see you for who you really are, Andrès. They don’t see how amazing you are, you are the best person I’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting, and god I’m so thankful…”, Martin trailed off. Fuck, that sounded very much as if he had feelings for him, didn’t it? Why couldn’t he keep his goddamn mouth shut for once in his life. _

_Andrès was just staring at him. Suddenly, he buried his face in Martins shoulder and tiny little sobs escaped his mouth. “It’s not fair, Martin… I loved her so much.. do you know how that feels, loving someone with your entire heart, but the other person just… playing with it. With your heart. Messing it up until it’s unrepairable.”_

_ Martin just closed his eyes, tried not to start crying as well. “Yes, Andrès. I know how that feels. And it hurts so goddamn much. You have no idea.”, he whispered eventually. _

_That caught Andrès off guard. He stopped hugging Martin and took his hand instead, while staring into his eyes. “Who are you talking about, Martin. Do I need to fight him?”, he said, now sounding quite angry. _

_“That depends, Andrès. Do you like hurting yourself?”, fuck. What was he doing? Was he really going to confess this to Andrès? _

_“What do you mean, hermanito. Is he that strong? Because I’d punch him, no matter what. No one hurts my best friend.”, Andrès was now smiling, but Martin could still see the glint of sadness, directed towards Tatiana. _

_Martin was breathing heavily at this point. He had made the decision. He was going to tell him. It was the ultimate moment, now. Andrès deserved to know the truth. It wouldn’t be fair to keep him in the dark about his feelings for him. _

_“Andrès…”, he began. God, why was his heart beating so fast? This wasn’t normal. He was so goddamn scared. Scared of what would happen. _

_“…it’s you.”, he breathed, _

_“The guy I’m talking about. It’s you. Te quiero. Te quiero tanto, mi amor.” _

_There he went. He dove into the cold, not expecting anything in return, waiting for the cold waves to just take him with them, to drown him and leave him there. It would’ve been fine. It would have been all okay. He didn’t deserve Andrès anyway. _

_But then, he felt a hand on his cheek, wiping away at a tear that had formed there, without him even realising it. It was Andrès. He was so close now, smiling at him, taking his hand again and getting closer to him, slowly putting their foreheads against each other. _

_“Martin, hermanito.. I had no idea. Mierda”, he whispered, “no idea that you felt that way as well. I didn’t think it would have ever been a possibility for me.”, his breathing was unsteady, a hint of laughter was heard in his voice. _

_“What do you mean, Andrès I don’t get i-“, Martin began, but that was all he could manage to say before a pair of soft, plump lips collided with his chapped ones… _

_“Martin…”, Andrès trailed off._

_ “Martin…”_

** “Martin!” **

Martin suddenly yelped awake, shivering from head to toe. He squinted his eyes and tried to even out his breathing. And then it all came crashing down at him.

He wasn’t in the monastery with Andrès.

He hadn’t just kissed him.

He hadn’t confessed his feelings to the man.

No, he hadn’t done any of that.

Andrès was dead.

And Martin was in the bank of Spain.

All alone.

And also, he was shot.

He looked next to him, seeing all others assembled. Helsinki was there, and Nairobi, too. Even Denver and Rio. Everyone was looking at him worriedly, with bandages in their hands. Martin just laughed bitterly. A bandage wasn’t going to magically fix this bloodstream.

Nothing was ever going to fix him back up. But, he didn’t care. Not anymore. Not when there was nothing left for him after this.

“Nairobi…”, he began, “I’m sorry. I hope guys make it.. do it, for Andrès. He deserved this… he deserved to have his plan succeed.. and Helsinki, I hope you find someone. It wasn’t fair of me, I know that. I never gave you a chance. I couldn’t. I was a mess, unfixable. But please, don’t give up on love. Don’t become me.”, he said with a bitter laugh.

It was the last thing Martin ever said, because at that exact moment, his heart stopped beating. It was a painless death. For someone who hadn’t known anything else than pain the past ten years, it was a welcoming feeling. Some would say he welcomed death with open arms, but Martin would say it wasn’t really that. He just welcomed the quiet, the silence, the rest.

And so, Martin drifted off. Thinking about Andrès.

It had always been Andrès.

Of course it had been.

_He was his life._

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading this fic! I really appreciate you reading this and supporting! When I posted my first Berlermo fic on AO3, the tag had 3 works. I'm happy to see that we are expanding! Much love to the Berlermo group chat on Twitter. You guys are always so amazing and supportive! Te quiero! 
> 
> Twitter: @lcdpalermo


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